


Things Once Broken

by ichigotchi



Category: Naruto
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, M/M, One Shot, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Post-War, References to Depression
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-17
Updated: 2018-10-17
Packaged: 2019-08-03 17:45:49
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,301
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16330697
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ichigotchi/pseuds/ichigotchi
Summary: Once the war was over, once he was home, Naruto believed he would be okay. Nobody tells you that things once broken cannot ever fully be repaired.





	Things Once Broken

**Author's Note:**

> Dedicated to Jackie because her fic inspired me to write this <3

Once the war was over, once he was home, Naruto believed he would be okay. His dream of becoming Hokage awaited him, and with the one he longed for at his side, world-danger averted and his friends safely back in their homes, Naruto believed that things would turn out alright. Nobody tells you that things once broken cannot ever fully be repaired. 

Through an abusive and neglected childhood, or through great trauma and isolation, bit-by-bit pieces are knocked off you. Through years of effort, never to be enough, fragments fall away. Through the challenges of war, the things you see and hear, the screams, the scent of death and destruction, you fall apart. Nobody tells you that they will never be able to fix you — they'll piece you back together again, patching you up so you look good on the outside — but you don't work anymore. Tiny fragments are missing, you're no longer whole, no longer able to function like others. They don't tell you that. So when Naruto gets back to Konoha after the war, Sasuke by his side, his friend's in tow and the name of Hokage awaiting him, he expects the nightmares and anxiety to pass. He expect's Sasuke's sleep paralysis and night terrors to slowly fade away, and their deep settled numbness to seep back into the shadows. But it doesn't. 

Over time, they realise their friendship is more than just that. They take each other as lovers, as partners. Day-to-day life is spent at their shared home, cooking, cleaning, playing games, making love. Occasionally Naruto is sent on missions outside the village, while Sasuke is not allowed to leave yet. When he returns, he greets Sasuke with a smile and a kiss. Everyone is happy because Naruto is happy. But Naruto isn't happy. Love doesn't heal the wounds deep inside of you, not like everyone says it does. It provides a comfort, a retreat, a safe place, but it does not fix what is wrong. And things are deeply wrong with them both. They wake up at night, sweating and crying. Sometimes Sasuke vomits from the things he sees, with eyes that don't belong to him. Naruto tries to comfort him but he knows it is useless. He feels the same. He closes his eyes and the villagers leer over him, calling him names he doesn't understand. He closes his eyes and he's told of Sasuke's abandonment or of Jiraiya's death. He closes his eyes and he sees Pein stabbing Hinata right before his eyes, or Neji's knees buckling as he falls forward onto Naruto's shoulder to die. He closes his eyes and he sees, smells, hears the thousands of corpses he couldn't save, the everyday people with families they'll never return to, bodies destroyed beyond recognition. Sometimes the residual scent of death makes him vomit too, and then it's Sasuke rubbing his back instead. They hold each other to sleep, grasping to the last thing on the planet to ever make them feel safe. But they know it's not enough. 

Through a lifetime of struggles, of trauma and chaos, of death and destruction, their young minds have been twisted and shattered. Nobody told them it would be like this. 

Naruto thinks about 'Hokage' and all that it symbolises and he is bitter. He wonders, if the Hokage in rule at the time of his childhood had done a better job, would he and Sasuke be repairable now? Would their wounds be ones that could be fixed? He wonders, if the Hokage at the time of his birth had never sacrificed himself for his god-forsaken village, would Naruto still have had to learn the pain of growing up alone? He wonders, if the Hokage in power now would open his eyes and see that nothing will ever change until the system is flipped on its head, would Naruto's wounds finally begin to heal? They are passive in the ever-steady beat of Konoha. It has not changed. Naruto has no doubt now that if he was a child in these times, he would be treated the same as he was 16 years ago. If the Hyuuga, or Inuzuka, or Nara, or any other clan were to plan a coup-d'etat now, he wonders if the Hokage would order their annihilation? Kakashi sensei would be against it, he thinks, but the same old council would probably vouch for their destruction. If it went ahead, would the orphaned child be left alone to suffer, like Sasuke was? Probably, he thinks. Nothing has changed, and so the name of Hokage is tainted. His lifelong dream, his goal for the future now brings with it a knowledge that the Hokage is a bringer of awful things too. Hokage turns a blind eye to the suffering of the individual, in favour of the happiness of the village. Naruto isn't sure if he can be that person now. 

Instead of actively pursuing the role everyone expects him to, Naruto distracts himself in the smaller things. He runs errands, spends time with his friends, cooks meals for Sasuke and himself to enjoy. Small victories, he calls them; moments of normality when the emptiness and the panic attacks are pushed just below the surface and he can appear like the same Naruto everyone knows. Sometimes, if the day is particularly long or hard, he will get home and cry. Other days he will get home and feel nothing at all, slumped over like a rag-doll who’s stuffing has been taken out. On both kinds of day, Sasuke is there; holding him, kissing his shoulders and his neck and running long fingers through his hair. Sasuke can't fix him, but he can hold him through the pain. So Naruto cries, and wonders if he will ever get better. 

When they make love, it is slow and it is tender and they try to kiss each other's wounds, to wrap each other up in cotton so that they never feel hurt again. It's nice to lose themselves in each other, in the feeling of love and appreciation that comes from being intimate with someone who knows you, inside and out, and loves you for all of your imperfections. But when it's over, and they're sticky and sweating, sometimes they cry. Naruto winces at how fucked up it all is — to cry after sex with the one you love. But it's just so painful. The minutes or hours of blissful escape leaves them and they're left to come back to terms with the cold emptiness of their lives. Naruto's body heat warms Sasuke's skin, but his heart and mind are frozen. Naruto wonders if they've been frozen ever since he watched his parents fall, or if it occurred at Itachi's death, or even later. He knows he will never thaw the ice there. Sasuke is too far gone. He gives Naruto small smiles, loving kisses and tender words but he is empty. Naruto knows how it feels, so he cannot be angry. His love for Sasuke is absolute, he is everything to him. But it doesn't fill the hole inside of himself, which is left barren for all things dark to run into and haunt him. They are the product of war, of abandonment, of neglect, of trauma. They are the most powerful individuals of their age, they are heroes and saviours, they are reincarnations of God-like beings, but they are not whole, and never will be again. 

Once the war was over, once he was home, Naruto believed he would be okay. His dream of becoming Hokage awaited him, and with the one he longed for at his side, world-danger averted and friend's safely back in their home, Naruto believed that things would turn out alright. Nobody tells you that things once broken cannot ever fully be repaired.


End file.
